


Two Men and a Cabbage

by DiAnima



Category: Runescape (Video Games)
Genre: Gen, I Don't Even Know, I have to share it, I'm so sorry, chapter from an unfinished project, crackfic, enjoy i guess, i just, oh my god what is this thing
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-02
Updated: 2019-05-02
Packaged: 2020-02-16 06:10:04
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,199
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18685693
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DiAnima/pseuds/DiAnima
Summary: The opening chapter from a fic war that never got off the ground. The premise was;'A Monty-Python style adventure comedy vs. hard sci fi starring brassica prime, Guthix, Amascut, Sliske, and Azzanadra.'I took the Monty Python side of it.I'm so sorry





	Two Men and a Cabbage

**Author's Note:**

> The opening chapter from a fic war that never got off the ground. The premise was;
> 
> 'A Monty-Python style adventure comedy vs. hard sci fi starring brassica prime, Guthix, Amascut, Sliske, and Azzanadra.'
> 
> I took the Monty Python side of it.
> 
> I'm so sorry

Like most adventures these days, it all started with a cabbage. It turned into a thrilling tale of derring-do and heroism and gods and angry cats and handily-placed cliffhanger endings, as all adventures must do in the end, but it began with two men hiking through a muddy field in the rain and a rather mouthy cabbage.

 

‘This is all your fault,’ said the first, storming through the mud like it had insulted him and needed a good stomping to relearn its place in the world. He was tall and lean and under his wide hat he was the sort of ginger that could only be described as alarming. The rain pattered on the brim of his hat and dripped off his backpack.

 

‘Naturally,’ his companion responded. He was darker in skin and hair and eyes, and only a little smaller, and he carried no luggage. His voice was a lazy drawl and he followed the other man at a safe distance, stepping lightly between the puddles.

 

They weren’t human in the slightest, of course, but you don’t know that yet.

 

‘Aren’t you going to apologise?’ said the first.

 

‘No,’ said the second.  

 

‘If it hadn’t been for that business with the cat and the baker we’d be home and dry by-’

 

He was warming up for a long and glorious oration of the highest indignation, but he was rudely interrupted by a high-pitched squeal, and then-

 

‘Watch where you’re stepping, puny mortals!’

 

They both stopped. Looked at each other.

 

‘I hope that wasn’t you, Sliske,’ the first said severely, in a tone that said, _if it was I will drown you in the nearest sheep dip._

 

‘Of course it wasn’t me, Azzanadra, my dearest purple wazzock,’ said the second, in a tone that said, _I’d like to see you try._

 

‘You stand in the presence of a god! Bow before me!’

 

They looked around. All they could see was mud, and rain, and some soggy and disinterested sheep. Then the voice cleared its throat and they both looked down.

 

‘I said bow, weaklings!’ the cabbage demanded.

 

‘I beg your pardon?’ said Azzanadra.

 

‘You dare insult a god? You will pay for your heresy-!’

 

Sliske kicked it. It rolled over with a sad slurp of mud and landed upside down in the next tramline. It gave a shriek of outrage.

 

‘How _dare_ you!’

 

Azzanadra walked over and picked it up, making a face as the wet leaves squelched in his hands. ‘To whom are we speaking, pray tell?’ he said.

 

He wasn’t sure where exactly to address it. He turned it over in his hands, looking for eyes or a face. Nothing. It was, for all intents and purposes, a regular cabbage.

 

‘A being of great and terrible power!’ said the entirely regular cabbage. ‘ _Bow_!’

 

‘You’re a cabbage,’ said Sliske.

 

‘I am _the_ cabbage, insolent worm! The one true cabbage! Font of all things delicious and green! I am burdened with glorious taste! I am…’

 

It paused dramatically. Azzanadra could feel it vibrating slightly in his hands. He wondered, for a moment, if it was about to explode. What was the blast range of a detonating vegetable? What about one that talked?

 

‘Brassica Prime!’ the cabbage finished triumphantly.

 

Azzanadra and Sliske looked at each other blankly. The rain continued to patter down around them. A sheep bleated, soggily.  

 

‘Who?’ said Sliske, after some time.

 

The cabbage somehow managed to give a shocked gasp. ‘You have not heard of Brassica Prime?’

 

‘Evidently,’ muttered Sliske.

 

‘Oh, woe on you, you poor, malnourished souls, you thin and miserable caterpillars, you shaded saplings-’

 

Azzanadra shook it until it shut up. ‘Enough of that. What do you want?’

 

‘I was merely contemplating my divine plan in the holy earth, when your heretical boot did come down and squash my fair leaves. Ah, but you have come to me with destiny written in you, I can see it!’

 

‘Are you sure about that?’ Azzanadra asked. He shifted the cabbage to one hand and waved the other in front of it. ‘Can you even _see_ us?’

 

‘Silence! I have a quest for you.’

 

‘A quest?’

 

‘A quest.’

 

Azzanadra sighed. ‘What sort of quest?’

 

‘One of great danger! One that will require sacrifices and fighting and difficult decisions and lengthy stretches of exposition!’

 

‘Sounds delightful,’ said Sliske. ‘What’s in it for us?’

 

‘You will earn to favour of a mighty god!’ said the cabbage.

 

There was a pause.

 

‘Anything else?’ said Sliske. Then he put on his oily sycophant voice and continued, ‘It’s not that we’re not grateful for the prospect of earning your respect, o mighty Prime,’ – Azzanadra gritted his teeth and tried not to roll his eyes – ‘only that the tragic voids in our fragile mortal souls that should be filled with godly goodness are already somewhat occupied.’

 

The cabbage was silent for a little while. It appeared to be thinking. Sliske tapped his foot. Azzanadra resisted the urge to lob the damn thing into the nearest ditch and recited a little prayer in his head instead.

 

Eventually, the cabbage said, ‘The power of Brassica Prime is nearly limitless. Anything you may desire, I shall grant in all its deliciousness. Your quest, should you choose to accept it, is thus – I have been most cruelly separated from the Divine Field from which I sprouted. I have been trapped in the rich and squelchy mud of this world for some time and I desire to return to my brethren. Aid me in this, mortals, and you shall be rewarded beyond your wildest imaginations.’

 

Azzanadra looked at Sliske. ‘Do you want it?’ he said.

 

‘It’s a cabbage,’ said Sliske.

 

‘I think we’ve established that.’

 

‘A cabbage!’

 

‘ _The_ cabbage!’ insisted the cabbage.

 

Sliske grinned suddenly, and Azzanadra’s heart sank to somewhere near his sodden socks. ‘I want to keep it,’ he said.

 

Azzanadra tossed it to him. ‘You can carry it, then.’

 

Slsike held it gingerly, and looked aghast at the prospect. ‘What? No! Stick it in you pack!’

 

‘I don’t want it. I don’t eat cabbages.’

 

‘Fine,’ Sliske grumbled, and conjured a small black sack out of nothing. Ignoring the cabbage’s protests, he rolled it into the sack and slung it over his shoulder. Then he looked at Azzanadra expectantly.

 

‘I’m not going on a quest for a vegetable,’ Azzanadra said slowly, as they started walking again.

 

Sliske hefted the sack on his shoulder, feeling its weight. ‘I suppose we could always sell it,’ he said.

 

‘Who would want a magic cabbage?’

 

‘Well. It could give our local Saradomininsts something to get upset about.’

 

‘A heretical magic cabbage?’

 

‘Yes! Why not?’

 

‘Fine.’

 

‘But really, Az, this could be fun. A little chance to let off some steam. Who knows – maybe we’ll learn something along the way!’

_The only thing I’ve learnt is not to listen to talking vegetables_ , Azzanadra thought glumly, but he said nothing and continued squelching through the mud.

 

None of them realised that a decidedly put-upon cat had watched the entire thing from a nearby tree. As soon as they were out of sight she got up, stretched, and vanished off in the other direction. Her mistress would want to know about this development.


End file.
